Self-defense tips for men

Before I get started with the tips, you need to understand that this is not a definitive list. There is obviously a lot more to say about this topic but the concept of a “tip” revolves around practical information you can use relatively quickly or it serves as an eye-opener. It gives you specific information for direct use or it makes you understand something crucial. This is in stark contrast with “studying”, which means working hard and continuously to increase knowledge, understanding and skill. So think of these tips as a bunch of ideas for you to think about right now and see how you can implement them. They aren’t rocket science, there’s nothing in them that you can’t understand. The challenge is only in doing them.

Another point is that I’m writing with men and their typical mindset in mind. Sure, there will be overlap for women but right now, that’s not my focus. Perhaps another time.

Finally, the tips are mostly geared towards handling social violence. They are not as applicable to dealing with criminal violence where the rules are a little different.

That said, let’s get started.

Self-defense tips for men: fighting sometimes really sucks…

Self-defense tips for men #1: Forget what you see on the screen.

The vast majority of movies and TV-series fail miserably when it comes to  portraying realistic violence and self-defense. Unfortunately, there is just so much nonsense on the screen that it makes its way into the collective psyche and many men think that’s how it really is. Then they get into a fight and discover they were wrong. For example: telling a gangbanger “he doesn’t have the guts” to shoot you when he demands your wallet is a surefire way to get killed. Not for Bruce Willis or Jason Statham in the movies but for you, yes it is.

You’d think that all men would get this and I’m sure they do when they think about it while sober and alone. But pour a few beers into them, get them together with their buddies and they’re chest-thumping and cussing while they get right into that gangbanger’s face. And then they don’t understand why they get shot…

This is just an example and an extreme one at that but there are many more. Replace the gangbanger robbing you with a guy who quickly drove into “your” parking spot and the same thing applies: common sense is often lacking with men when they are faced with such a situation.

My point is this: the human mind, like nature, abhors a vacuum. It will fill in that vacuum in any way it can. So if you have no actual experience with violence, you will form your opinions about it somehow. And no matter how much you tell yourself that “it’s just a movie” your mind is still absorbing that information subconsciously. Given enough repetition, you might be surprised about how much disinformation you actually soak up. So forget about the movie violence or the way they portray self-defense situations and how to handle them. 99.99% of the time, they get it wrong. If you do have experience with violence, you already know this is true.

Self-defense tips for men #2: Live, love and be happy.

Say what? Yes indeed. Live a good life. Love your significant other, family and friends. And be as happy as you can be, every single day. If you focus on those things, you are less likely to make the mistakes that get you in the kind of trouble that results in violence. You’ll be able to let go of the issues that aren’t worth fighting over simply because you have something worth losing: a frikkin’ awesome life.

The trouble with violence is that it tends to escalate and become uncontrollable real fast. It is also an unpredictable beast: I’ve punched people full-power in the face and had them stare at me. In contrast, a guy was just put on trial over here for killing a 19-year old kid. What happened? The kid spilled some beer over his shirt and refused to apologize. The guy punch him once. The kid fell, cracked his skull and died. In front of plenty of witnesses.

That guy can now say goodbye to his life as it was before.  He’s toast.

For the record, he had taken some krav maga classes. Guess what the lawyers brought up during the trial? Guess again about the kind of violent killer they portrayed him to be…

So especially if you practice martial arts or combatives, think twice before you let your ego and emotions take you places you will regret going. It’s easy to go there in the heat of the moment though, adrenaline and tempers being what they are. But if you have an awesome life to get back to, it’s much easier to walk away when somebody smudges your Pumas.

Self-defense tips for men #3: Know yourself.

The focus of men who want to learn self-defense skills is usually on the bad guys, the aggressors they’ll have to handle when things take a wrong turn. That is definitely an important issue but it isn’t the only one. Because it assumes that the problem will always be with somebody else, which is not always true. You’re half of the equation in a fight, your motivations and actions will definitely influence whether it turns to blows or not.

Sure, there are situations you can’t deescalate. Some people will go out of their way to pick a fight. But a lot (perhaps even most) of the potential conflicts can be avoided if you keep your head screwed on correctly. If you can keep it together, you’ll be able to focus on finding solutions for the problem, not taking his bait or just leave. To be able to do that, you need to stay cool. To be able to stay cool, you need to know what sets you off.

We all have our hot buttons, not much you can do about that. But you can be aware of them and make sure they don’t get pushed. Or at the very least, recognize when they are being pushed and then getting clear of the person doing the pushing. Before you do something you’ll regret later on or you end up escalating the conflict into violence because the guy pissed you off.

Putting it a bit differently: you can avoid the need for self-defense if you avoid the conflict. Avoiding a conflict is easier done with a cool head. So make sure you know what makes you lose your cool.

Self-defense tips for men #4: He’s human too.

That guy who’s in your face calling you names? The guy who cuts you off in traffic and flips you the bird? The one who’s eyeballing you with murder in his eyes because you bumped his shoulder? He’s human, just like you. There are reasons why he acts like that. Reasons you may never know or understand, but they are real to him. Everything I said in tip #2 applies to him too but it looks like he’s throwing that advice to the wind. Something (You? Somebody else? Some pre-existing problem?) is making him act like that and you can be sure he feels he is in the right and you are wrong.

This is true for most people, barring certain criminals and other populations: he isn’t the bad guy in his own mind. He’s the hero in the movie of his life that plays inside his head. To him, you are the bad guy. Obviously, you feel the same way about him but here’s the thing: you can both be right. Conflicts are not always black and white. You could very well both be to blame for whatever you’re getting into a fight over.

If you can understand that, it’s easier for you to walk away and avoid the conflict altogether. If you don’t feel the need to be right all the time and prove it to the world, you can walk away and leave the other guy to his illusion of being “right”.

Mind you, I didn’t say you have to like the guy or turn the other cheek. Not at all. Understanding his motivations in no way means approval of his actions. Feel free to think he’s an asshole. Or do what I do, pity the fool and walk away, back to your awesome life of which he will no longer be a part of, ever.

Self-defense tips for men #5: Get over yourself.

This tip is the flip side of the previous one: don’t be the bad guy to other people. A large portion of violent incidents can be avoided by simply getting over yourself, by not letting your ego or sense of entitlement make the decisions. Yes, it is your right to be loud and boisterous in a biker bar. But it’s not a smart move is it? It is absolutely your right to give that guy who cuts in line a piece of your mind; free speech and all that. But calling him a “shit-for-brains retard” is probably not going to do much to defuse the situation. And so on.

In so many cases, men let their testosterone take over and shoot from the hip instead of taking a step back. In part, this is because of how our brains are wired. But that doesn’t mean you have to accept this as an unchangeable fact of life. You can change your knee-jerk responses but only if you really want to. It takes a lot of trial and error, effort, time and determination, but it can most certainly be done. All it really takes is the conscious decision to get over yourself and then stick to it. Or to put it into a practical context:

Whenever you think “It’s my goddamned right to…”

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